god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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