im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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