Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Randomize
