I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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