all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
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