Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
