How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my being single is dangerous.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
