just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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