How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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