you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just want to make out with him forever
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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