why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
