just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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