Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
