She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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