homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
