Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
