I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
