You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
