remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
