i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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