My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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