I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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