so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
this hospital has no fireball
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
