im six kinds of drunk right now
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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