I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
