The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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