I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
