I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
