Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
