I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
