my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
