dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
