dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
