hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
