when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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