So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
