Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
