Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
