he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
