I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
