I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
