are you so shy because you have an std?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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