Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
