i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
