My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
