You're completely useless in the revolution.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The air was thick with penises
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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