nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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