Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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