I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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