the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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