I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
