You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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