apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
