So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
